Week One: Yes, Virginia, There Is A Season

Unless you live under a rock, you're well aware that there was way too much angst this season about a lockout canceling the NFL season. When I say too much angst, I don't mean because angst would be an inappropriate response. To be sure, angst, is a mild way of putting how the sports world would react if the NFL season were actually imperiled, but to any rational, thinking person, there was never really a chance that this would happen. The differences in CBA negotiation were not big enough to warrant it, and there was simply too much money to be lost if the sides didn't make an agreement.

I haven't read the agreement yet, nor will I, truth be told, but I'm fairly certain there's a clause in it to prevent the kinds of uniforms Boise State, Georgia and (holy crap on a stick) Maryland wore this weekend. Now, Boise State's giant Bronco helmet logo actually isn't half bad, and these duds weren't nearly as horrendous as the weird gray and blue ones they wore against Tetris-ified Virginia Tech last year. As for the Terps, I happen to actually be a huge fan of the Maryland state flag and love that it's been subtly incorporated into the uniforms of the Ravens and Orioles.

But the key word is subtle. These things are the very definition of eyesore, and depending on who you talk to, may or may not have been stolen from a Baltimore-based roller derby team.

As I've said before, this is one of about a thousand reasons that college football, love it as much as I do, just will not measure up to the NFL for me. Uniform stability is right up there with quality of play, quality of organization and reasonable means of determining a champion. And so, given my love for the NFL, it is with great joy that I get ready to watch some very exciting football this weekend. No, not just Friday morning's Qualifying Final between Geelong and Hawthorn -- though that will be awesome -- but professional American football, which kicks off Obama style on Thursday night with Green Bay and New Orleans and then reaches a high point for me Sunday afternoon when the New York Gia play the Redskins on the 10th anniversary of 9/11. I'm calling them the New York Gia because half the team, apparently, is already injured.

Despite those injuries, I will be making may plans to see the Gia this season on multiple occasions. I've already got my flight booked to San Francisco, am working on going up to New England to see Big Blue face the Pats, and am very seriously considering trying to find someone to go to New Orleans with me to see the Giants play the Saints as it's a Monday night game and those are far easier for me to take off work for than the Sunday variety.

Until then, however, I'll just be watching on TV. Again I will be picking games each week against the spread in my inevitably failed quest to beat Vegas -- it's a good thing I don't actually bet on sports -- but before I tell you who will win this week I suppose I need to tell you who's going to win in general.

And with that in mind, it's time for my almost certain to be wrong 2011 NFL Season Predictions.

AFC East

1. NY Jets - This is by far my most unreasonable pick of the season, but I think New England is overrated and the Jets tend to overachieve under Ryan. 12-4.
2. New England - But don't underestimate Darth Belichick. I'm sure he'd have something up his sleeves if he wore any. 10-6.
3. Buffalo - The new uniforms are an incredible upgrade. Step 2 is upgrading the team. 5-11.
4. Miami - These boys can't swim. 4-12.

AFC North

1. Pittsburgh - Honestly, who wants to disagree with me on this? Yeah, I didn't think so. 13-3.
2. Baltimore - I say this a lot, but people probably won't give the Ravens their due for being as dominant as they have been for the past decade if they don't win another championship. 11-5.
3. Cleveland - The Peyton Hillis Speedwagon just keeps on rolling. Right to a sixth win. 6-10.
4. Cincinnati - No quarterback? No problem. Oh wait, lots of problems. At least until Andy Dalton grows up. 1-15.

AFC South

1. Houston - Oh my lord, it's finally here. I don't know what to say. Really. 11-5.
2. Indianapolis - This team is so well-rounded and complete, and they never fail to make their presence felt. Huh? His neck is sore? Are you sure? 7-9.
3. Tennessee - Matt Hasselbeck can really add another dimension to this offense if he doesn't throw his back out while moving his walker. 6-10.
4. Jacksonville - Oh man. I've got a great idea. Let's tell the coach that his future is on the line this season if he doesn't make the playoffs. And then, let's cut his starting quarterback five days before the season. 4-12.

AFC West

1. San Diego - Fact: The Chargers had the No. 1 offense in the NFL last season. Fact: The Chargers had the No. 1 defense in the NFL last season. Fact: The Chargers missed the playoffs last season. So... regression to the mean, right? 12-4.
2. Kansas City - You have to expect the Chiefs to come back a little from last year, but they're poised to take over this division when San Diego's window closes. 8-8.
3. Denver - Go ahead. Bet against Kyle Orton. He'll win more games than you expect. Not many more, but definitely, like, one more. 6-10.
4. Oakland - So this is some fun, the Raiders were the only team in the League to go undefeated in their division last season, a feat that will be tough to duplicate. Against the rest of the League the Raiders won... twice. That, too, will be tough to duplicate. 5-11.

NFC East

1. Philadelphia - IT'S A DREAM TEAM. But definitely one of those dreams where you wake up right before finding out who the murderer is or that hot girl in your apartment building takes her clothes off. 11-5.
2. NY Gia - Get it? Because they're injured! Whatever, I'm still optimistically blinded by my fandom. And so are most pundits if you look at the predictions. 10-6.
3. Dallas - Now that the Cowboys aren't hosting the Super Bowl anymore, do you think people might stop considering them Super Bowl contenders? 7-9.
4. Washington - I'm pretty sure every defensive player in the NFC East got aroused when they found out Rex Grossman was the starting quarterback. 4-12.

NFC North
1. Green Bay - Um. Yeah. These guys are really, pretty good. 13-3.
2. Detroit - And you know what? So are these guys. 9-7.
3. Minnesota - I have never been this clueless about where to put a team maybe ever. There are so many variables and a decent amount of talent. Not enough though. Really, if the roof stays in one piece they should consider the season a success. 7-9.
4. Chicago - These guys are almost as confusing as Minnesota. But just almost. 5-11.

NFC South

1. Atlanta - I'm willing to bet that playoff loss to the Packers sticks in Atlanta's craw more than just a little. 12-4.
2. New Orleans - These guys are looking to rebound from a tough postseason loss, too. Too bad they play in such a tough division. 9-7.
3. Tampa Bay - That Josh Freeman is pretty awesome. At least he better be for the sake of my fantasy team. 8-8.
4. Carolina - Cam Newton is going to be getting a really talented side kick soon. Only problem is he's getting him because the Panthers will have a top 5 pick. Again. 2-14.

NFC West

1. St. Louis - Sam Bradford has a lot more weapons than people think. The Rams just might scare some people. 9-7.
2. San Francisco - Welcome to the show Jim Harbaugh. This team probably won't fare as well as Stanford did last season, but most of your rivals are just about as good as USC normally is. 7-9.
3. Arizona - So Kevin Kolb is expected to be quite the elixir for this team, but I'd really love to know when everyone made the communal decision to decide that Kevin Kolb is really, really good. 6-10.
4. Seattle - The Seahawks won the division last year. The division did not have any teams with a winning record. Seriously. Not one. 5-11.

AFC Playoffs
Wild Card weekend
(3) NY Jets over (6) New England
Still can't justify this. I'm still sticking with it, though.
(5) Baltimore over (4) Houston
Man the Texans are just so happy to be here. So very, very happy.

Divisional weekend
(1) Pittsburgh over (5) Baltimore
Cities will be destroyed during this game. There's simply no other way to describe the certain destruction that awaits.
(2) San Diego over (3) NY Jets
The Jets love to over achieve, but I have a feeling their run of AFC title game appearances is about to end. It was a good run, though, wasn't it?

AFC Championship Game
(2) San Diego over (1) Pittsburgh
I mean, seriously, how due is this team. Really. They've got to break through one of these years, right?

NFC Playoffs
Wild Card weekend
(6) New Orleans over (3) Philadelphia
You know a few weeks ago I was taking a girl on a date and I told her I hated the Eagles. She thought this seemed like a bit of a strong word and said, "I can't imagine hating anybody unless they, like, killed puppies or something." To this I responded, "You know, it's funny you should mention." True story.
(5) NY Gia over (4) St. Louis
I would sign up for this first round matchup in a heartbeat. Right now.

Divisional weekend
(6) New Orleans over (1) Green Bay
Really, they could be the best No. 6 seed in history
(2) Atlanta over (5) NY Gia
Well, it was fun while it lasted, folks.

NFC Championship Game
(2) Atlanta over (6) New Orleans
You know, I'm not going to lie. It makes me feel kind of gross picking the same Super Bowl matchup as Sports Illustrated.

Super Bowl XLVI
(2) San Diego over (2) Atlanta 
But I'm not picking the same winner. Let's be honest. For the Chargers? It's about time.

So there you go kids. My official certain to be wrong NFL season preview. Good ol' Stan Humphries will be so proud of his old team. Maybe.

And now that you've gone through that exhausting read, perhaps you'll go a little further with this week's picks. Here. We. Go.

Last week: n/a
Season: 0-0-0

GREEN BAY (-4.5) over New Orleans
Atlanta (-3) over CHICAGO
CLEVELAND (-7) over Cincinnati
KANSAS CITY (-6) over Buffalo
Philadelphia (-6) over ST. LOUIS
TAMPA BAY (-1) over Detroit
Tennessee (+3) over JACKSONVILLE
Pittsburgh (+3) over BALTIMORE
HOUSTON (-9) over Indianapolis
Carolina (+7) over ARIZONA
SAN DIEGO (-9) over Minnesota
SAN FRANCISCO (-6) over Seattle
NY Giants (-3) over WASHINGTON
NY JETS (-4) over Dallas
New England (-7) over MIAMI
DENVER (-3) over Oakland

And there you have it. See you all at kickoff tonight. Thank God it's football season.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

This morning I think it's easily apparent that I made one of the funniest mistakes of my life earlier this fall. What was that, you say? Well a cursory glimpse at the my NFL season preview details this amusing and noteworthy prediction:

"NFC East

1. Dallas - DID YOU HEAR THE COWBOYS MIGHT PLAY IN THE SUPER BOWL IN THEIR HOME STADIUM OHMYGOD. 11-5."

So there you go. With the season yet to begin I, like, many thought that the Dallas Cowboys' combination of proven talent and chips on various shoulders would propel them to a division title -- to say nothing of the excitement that could come with being the first team to play in a Super Bowl on its home field.

But I did think Wade Philips' overly lax, player friendly style would lead to a lack of discipline that cost Dallas in its Super Bowl quest. I didn't, however, think it would cost them seven games into the season, but after yesterday's utterly hilarious 35-17 loss at home to the Jacksonville Jaguars that is exactly what has happened.

And hot damn I couldn't be happier.

Dallas' near absurd tumble into sub-mediocrity is almost so ridiculous -- the team is clearly better than 1-6 would indicate -- and so unexpected -- Tony Romo's injury could never have been predicted -- that if you happen to like, well, any other team in football, you can't help but feel giddy over the catastrophe in Big D.

Fucking giddy.

I'll give this to the fans of those horrendous jackasses in Texas, though, as yesterday's Halloween debacle likely ended any chance of their team going anywhere at all this season, at least they had a sense of humor about it.

Now, I know that since the Cowboys aren't mathematically eliminated, claiming their season is just about over could seem harsh, but since all of one team -- the 1970 Cincinnati Bengals -- has climbed out of a 1-6 start to make the postseason, well, I feel pretty confident that we've seen the last of the Cowboys as a factor in 2010, particularly with Romo out for the year. When you combine that with the obvious dour looks on the faces of players and the clear shock and speechlessness of Jerry Jones yesterday, it looks like Dallas is just about spent.

Wahoo.

Theoretically, yes, it's wrong to relish in the pain of others, but with this franchise I think some tasteful shadenfreude is in order. If you don't agree with me as the Eagles and Redskins fans you know. After all, it's the only thing we'll agree on.

2010 NFL Preview: Starting Off The New Year With The New Year

Those of you who know me know that I am an extremely reform observant of the Jewish faith, which gets its big celebrations underway tonight at sunset with the dawn of year 5771 for Rosh Hashanah, and the wishes of good health in the New Year are coming in from all the right people.

שנה טובה to you all.

This year, in a quirky twist of fate, the Jewish New Year happens to coincide with Thursday night's NFL Opener between the Saints and Vikings. And lest you think of the NFL, like most sports, as being a not-so-Jewish domain, let it be said that there is no endless list of Jews trying to convince you otherwise. One of these Jews happens to be, Marc Tracy, an editor for the Jewish news site Tablet Magazine, which last week had its annual NFL Preview on its podcast Vox Tablet, which included a discussion of, among other things, a guessing game of how many Jewish owners in the NFL there are -- the answer, depending on who you want to believe for Denver's Pat Bowlen is 11.5. Here's a written breakdown if you have no speakers.

That .5 you can credit to my beloved New York Giants, who are owned by the tandem of John Mara, who comes from a staunchly Catholic family, and Steve Tisch, who is Jewish and also holds the remarkable distinction of being the only person to win a Super Bowl and an Oscar thanks to his producer credit for Forrest Gump.

In any event,  most of the podcast circulated around which team should become the official team of the podcast due to its Jewish connections. Unsurprisingly, the winner of the discussion was the Washington Redskins because of the two characteristics that a) it is owned by prominent D.C.-area Jewish philanthropist/control freak Dan Snyder and more importantly b) it's the favorite team of Tracy, the podcast's host. They do note that this essentially only supercedes the Vikings because they recently traded Sage Rosenfels, who is of Jewish descent if non-practicing, after Brett Favre returned for a 20th season. Apparently this is enough to supercede the fact that Vikings owner Zygi Wilf, a resident of my hometown in Short Hills, NJ, is a Jew born in Germany to two Polish Holocaust survivors.

Uh, That's pretty significant, no?

Curiously, the Redskins are somehow more worthy than the Patriots, whose owner, Robert Kraft, is such a major benefactor to the  Israeli Football League that his name is in the official logo (see above), or my beloved Giants, who are a) owned by the already-mentioned Steve Tisch, b) play in the largest Jewish community in the World outside of Israel, c) the Giants once employed Jewish Hall of Fame quarterback Benny Friedmann, who, as charted in the recent book Passing Game, fundamentally transformed the game of football in the 1920s and 30s because he was so good at throwing the ball.

Oh, and the Giants are also the team that acquired Sage Rosenfels. So that's gotta be worth something.

In any event, I've gotten almost excrutiatingly off track here. Just know that it's the Jewish New Year tonight at sundown, and among things I'm thankful for is that my football team doesn't produce Jewish paraphernalia that is emblazoned peculiarly with the symbol of another religion. Yet another reason to be disheartened that St. Kilda knocked off Geelong in the Qualifying Final last week. But I suppose it's ok. Geelong got the better of them last year when it mattered most.

Of course, at this point, I'm fairly clear I've lost you all, so I'm going to go back to American Football. On with the Picks, which, of course, are meaningless.

AFC East

1. NY Jets - The Jets remind me of an SEC team that just complains loudly about how good it is until we all believe it. Then again, they actually are pretty good. 12-4.
2. New England - Tom Brady being uncomfortable with his contract: Surprising. Randy Moss being uncomfortable with his contract: Not Surprising. 10-6.
3. Miami - For purposes of keeping the Jewish theme, I'm still irritated that Jay Fiedler is no longer the quarterback here. 7-9.
4. Buffalo - Welcome to the JV team, C.J. Spiller! 5-11.

AFC North

1. Baltimore - If the Ravens only win that one Super Bowl, I wonder if 20 years from now they'll get the credit they deserve for being one of the League's best franchises for the past decade. Hopefully people will at least remember this.11-5.
2. Cincinnati - Chad Ochocinco says the Bengals are so loaded that there is no excuse for them to not win a championship this season. On a related note, Chad Ochocino is insane. 9-7.
3. Pittsburgh - SI's Peter King picked the Stillers to win the Super Bowl this year. Did no one tell him Ben Roethlisberger is missing a quarter of the season? 8-8
4. Cleveland - Mike Holmgren will get this team turned around. In 2013 or so. 4-12.

AFC South

1. Indianapolis - Does this need any explanation? 13-3.
2. Houston - The Texans had their first ever winning season a year ago and missed the playoffs. I don't care if they get their first berth this season, but I'd love it if they were the best team in Texas. 10-6.
3. Tennessee - You'd think a team with Chris Johnson and Jeff Fisher involved would have better prospects for the season. Apparently not. 8-8.
4. Jacksonville - Only five head coaches have been at their current jobs longer than Jack Del Rio. Jack Del Rio once lost a punter after encouraging players to swing an ax in the locker room. 5-11.

AFC West
1. San Diego - Year One of the Post-Tomlinson era will probably be pretty similar to the last year of the Tomlinson era. 11-5.
2. Kansas City - I know, this is an odd choice, but have you seen how weak the second half of that schedule is? 7-9.
3. Denver - Kyle Orton has a 29-19 record as a starter in the NFL. How is the FBI not looking into this? 6-10.
4. Oakland - But Al Davis will always be No. 1 in our hearts. 2-14.

NFC East

1. Dallas - DID YOU HEAR THE COWBOYS MIGHT PLAY IN THE SUPER BOWL IN THEIR HOME STADIUM OHMYGOD. 11-5.
2. NY Giants - Biased? Sure. Wrong? I don't think so. 10-6.
3. Philadelphia - Hope that whole "trading the most underappreciated player in NFL history while he's still great" thing works out for you. Well, actually, no I don't. 8-8.
4. Washington - I'm very scared of Mike Shanahan turning the Redskins into a contender and making this tough division even tougher. I'm not scared of him doing it this year. 5-11.

NFC North

1. Green Bay - Aaron Rodgers is crazy good people. For serious. He's pretty much the reason you never hear about any other quarterbacks in this division. 12-4.
2. Minnesota - Brett Who? I bet Tarvaris Jackson is running that team by week 3. 10-6.
3. Chicago - The one thing I couldn't stand about living in Chicago was how convinced Bears fans were that each year was their year. At least most of them realized Rex Grossman was, you know, bad. 6-10.
4. Detroit - It's going to be another long year in Motown, but with the pieces they've started drafting, it won't be long before they reach that light at the end of the tunnel. 4-12.

NFC South

1. New Orleans - It's Drew Brees' world. We're all just living in it. 13-3.
2. Atlanta - I'm guessing Matt Ryan bounces back from a rough sophomore season. The key is seeing if the rest of the team bounces back with him. 8-8.
3. Carolina - Sure, losing one of the best defensive ends in the League won't hurt them one bit. 6-10.
4. Tampa Bay - When you type in a Google search for head coach Raheem Morris, the first suggestion that comes up is "Raheem Morris underwear". 3-13.

NFC West
1. San Francisco - The glory of the great Niner tradition is back! Sort of. 9-7.

2. Arizona - Someone asked me recently if Matt Leinart had supplanted Ryan Leaf as history's greatest bust. I'm pretty sure Leinart has done better than Leaf has. Also, he's totally hotter. 8-8.
3. Seattle - I was reminded this week that Shaun Alexander's extension signed in 2006 was eight years long. Did the Seahawks really think their bruising running back would be playing in 2014? 5-11.
4. St. Louis - Apparently Sam Bradford has looked pretty good in the preseason. He also plays for the St. Louis Rams, who haven't looked good in any season for a few years now. 2-14.

AFC Playoffs
(3) San Diego over (6) Houston
(4) Baltimore over (5) New England

(1) Indianapolis over (4) Baltimore
(3) San Diego over (2) NY Jets

AFC Championship
(1) Indianapolis over (3) San Diego

NFC Playoffs
(6) Minnesota over (3) Dallas
(5) NY Giants over (4) San Francisco

(1) New Orleans over (6) Minnesota
(2) Green Bay over (5) NY Giants

NFC Championship
(2) Green Bay over (1) New Orleans

Super Bowl XLV
Indianapolis 35, Green Bay 28

And there you have it kids! I'm taking the Colts to win the big one this year and avenge the ghosts of last season's Super Bowl let down. This doesn't necessarily go in accordance with the Rosh Hashanah theme, but Colts owner Jim Irsay's father was Jewish.

Of course, he was also a fuckcrazy drunk who stole one of the League's great franchises from its historic home. But those are minor details.

Enjoy the season and the holiday everyone. It's time to party like it's 5771.