where there's smoke...

Good news! Everyone's favorite beef-jerky scented Indianian (and his party shorts) returned safe and sound from fire! Of course, as of this morning, he's back out again (Shadow Lake Fire in Sisters, Oregon, follow it here). Thank god he was home long enough for dinner and a few beers with friends at The Cheerful Tortoise.

a rare moment of dean not making robin dry-heave

coral playing coy

dani trying to decipher what kind of situation she's gotten herself into

It was really great to see the kid again. Even after all that has happened between us, I will always be happy to see him. He remains (and I hope he always will) one of my best friends so whenever he comes home alive, I will properly rejoice. So will Shamoo...

They love each other... Can't fight city hall.

I admit though, it was strange to be around him again. In the last three months he and I had barely spent as many hours together. In the two and a half years we were together, we hardly went three weeks (and that was only because I was home in California trying not to die of mono). With him being gone for so long I have been able to start gluing the pieces of my life back together that broke apart back in April (and that I, at the very least, started putting back together in London). The physical distance was helping... Is helping. I still miss his goofy face all the time, but I can feel the shift in myself and feel that maybe we are approaching the relationship - the friendship - we need right now.

(I feel somewhat safe pouring this out to you all here because I don't think he's ever actually read my blog)

Anyway, my roundabout point here is that as happy as I was to see him for a bit last night, I'm really glad he's back out on fire again. For his sake and for mine. Two very different reasons, yes, but I think it's the best thing right now for both of us.

Shamoo sure is going to miss him though!

flame on

"Dispatch tonight, headed to Sisters Oregon. Please pass it on. Don't know much else.... 

I'll keep you updated as much as I can."

And so Smoke Signal is off and running once again! The kid was due to come home in just 6 days after being stationed down in Lakeview, OR since July 14th but I guess I'll have to wait to make that welcome home dinner a little bit longer. Fair enough... Chasing dreams (and raging forest fires) takes precedence over lasagna!

Feel free to send prayers, happy thoughts, good juju, pleasantries and well-wishes to Jared and the whole GFP crew as they run headlong into another adventure!

This summer just got a whole lot more exciting... Again. 

(photo of smokey the bear from the 2010 fire season)

smoke signals

Well before I delve into all things England (or more to the point, before I buckle down and erase enough crap off my computer so that I have enough room to upload the photos of England) I wanted to post a quick update about everyone's favorite wildland firefighter!

So Jared came home July 8th after being gone for over a month and working a total of three fires down in New Mexico! We finally caught up with each other at breakfast this morning before Señor Fuego drove off into the afternoon toward Lakeview, Oregon where he will be staging for the next month-and-a-half waiting for another fire.

Hearing and seeing him talk about life on the fire lines only proves what we've all known for a long time... He loves this. God has him doing exactly what he's meant to do in life and I for one couldn't be happier for him.

So keep the prayers and good thoughts coming in the weeks ahead! I'll keep everyone updated as I hear from Jared (and post pictures as I get them)!

(photo by Jared's buddy Chuck from the 2010 fire season)

smoke and mirrors

Talked to Jared tonight for a little while... He is in absolute seventh heaven out there in the New Mexico fires (except for realizing that he hates the desert - good thing he lives in Portland) and sent me this photo from the road. He may be in New Mexico but these are the plumes of smoke coming from the Arizona Wallow Fire clouding the sunset in the evening sky.

I am so proud of him.

(photo by Jared "Mohawk/Doc" Bandor)

fire man.

You can't tell too much from the picture, but what was the only downside to Jared getting dispatched to the first fire of the season Sunday night? That wicked sunburn only barely visible after some light photo editing. I'm guessing heading into the flames pre-heated is the less than ideal but he made sure to drink a lot of water in an attempt to re-hydrate his sun-dried self.

But more importantly... JARED GOT DISPATCHED TO A FIRE!

All of us were out at Journeys for Happy Hour when Jared's phone rang. It was Alberto, basically the number one crew boss at ASP Fire asking him if he was available - and to be down in Albany, ready to leave for New Mexico at 4:30 the next morning.

Done.

When he came back to the table after the conversation with Alberto he was all but shaking with excitement. He was absolutely beaming.

And so, the season is off and running and fire man is looking at what is so far the biggest fire season in the last decade. Last year was pretty much the worst year to start a career as a wildland firefighter with only 965,620 acres having burned at this time last year. What's 2011's year-to-date acreage? 3,450,882 acres (according to the National Interagency Fire Center).

That boy is in for the time of his life.

dribble the baby

Disclaimer: please do not think I am in some way advocating abuse. This is merely entertaining wording for bizarre, but sometimes necessary parenting/aunt-ing routines.

Anyway, so yes, after a day of hanging out with my lovelies at LRT, Laura and I decided to treat ourselves to Little Big Burger (I got a burger with chevre and their french fries come doused in white truffle oil and sea salt... How is this a bad idea?) (::considers current waistline::) (Oh, that's how). We sat and talked boys, babies and work as we dipped our little frites into this amazing fry sauce concoction they leave so tantalizingly on the table in front of you, practically force feeding you with some Jedi mind tricks... Where was I?

Oh... So seeing how Portland has decided to catch back up with itself and rain again, after this late lunch, I gave baby-lady a ride home and as I was saying goodbye to her, and soon-to-be-Jack, she let me feel his little head against her belly and... Wait for it... Bounce it! OK, this is probably not a great idea but just a gentle nudge and I could feel his tiny dome float briefly away and back again. It was so cool! Though it has led to us referring to this practice as "dribbling the baby".

Not to be confused with "shaving the baby", as demonstrated by Jared on a three month old Kamdyn in the photo above (the first time we met the little man and he had almost no hair except this little mullet-like strip at the nape of his neck so Andrea authorized his first haircut at the hands of his uncle).

Kids are fun.

the best one yet

"It looks like he's trying to blow himself up through his thumb."

-Jared

as promised...

Hello lovelies! Well, with a night to myself I find myself sitting here with a nice glass of wine and a few episodes of The Office and plenty of time to finish up about our weekend in Washington!

So those of you who know Jared know he's not big on getting gifts, regardless of the occasion, be it Christmas, his birthday, whathaveyou. So this year I took a different route. As opposed to telling him I wouldn't get him anything for said holidays, I threw out the option of us going away for a weekend together and having that count for the next three gift-giving occasions. 

He agreed. And happily so!

Our weekend mini-break at Skamania Lodge is Washington served as a catch-all gift and was, in a word, perfect. I don't think either of us really realized just how long it had been since we'd both slowed down and let us catch up with ourselves. 

Since Jared only had a half day of class on Saturday we decided now was the time so off we went! Winding our way out of Portland-proper we got onto 84-E and started our way into the Gorge. For me, the Columbia River Gorge holds a lot of sway - the first time Jared and I spent time together after meeting was hiking up Multnomah Falls (I guess you could call that our first "date" even though we didn't really realize we were in fact "dating" until about a month after we first hung out), and some of my favorite memories have taken place throughout that area of our state. 

After a quick stop at Burgerville, Oregon's (ahem, superior) answer to California's In-N-Out (and with a chocolate-hazelnut milkshake in hand, yum) we pushed eastward until we crossed over the river at The Bridge of the Gods which took us into Washington. It was just a short drive on until we came to the turn-off for the lodge and boy howdy, were we blown away!

It is a stunning place and God made for us the most beautiful day we've had up here in the Northwest in weeks. As we walked up to check in we were both prepared to be in the lap of rustic luxury. "I don't think I'm allowed to stay at a place like this!" was all Jared could muster as we sauntered into the lobby where we were met with the immediate heat of the giant fireplace in the middle of the gorgeous sitting room. We made a mental note to stake out a couple of the very inviting rocking chairs near the hearth, we dropped our bags off in our room and headed straight outside to walk around the grounds while the weather was, mercifully, perfect. 

Of course, it is January in the Pacific Northwest so there was a bite in the air which made it easier for us to head back inside and saddle up to the little bar for a drink to warm up. It was nice, just getting to sit and sip and talk. That mindset followed into dinner where we sat at our little table watching the end of the Purdue game (Boiler up!) and munching on some Dungeness crab laced entrees. After dinner, Jared's  work/school schedule caught up with him and he passed out pretty quickly leaving me up watching the show Hoarders on A&E (addicting!) until I too fell asleep. 

Now my plan was to sleep in but again, with a severely tweaked schedule Jared was up at 7am, showering and ready to go for the day. So I woke up and we went down to the lobby, grabbed some coffee and curled up in those lovely rockers by the fire and just sat. It was so nice. The perfect reason to get up early. To have it my way, we'd would wake up every morning and do just that. 

Of course, though the sight of the morning fog rolling across the mountains was feeding us in ways no food ever could our tummies began to grumble and breakfast began calling our names. So it was back to the little restaurant for delicious french toast, eggs and bacon. Again, the theme of the weekend being "perfect", this meal was no exception. 

Though we only had about 24 hours there, we did manage to catch a bit more time in front of that fireplace before heading back out. It is so wonderful to just be able to spend time with the person you love and have no other obligation other than to be together, even if only for a short time. 

We are truly blessed!

Before heading back to real life we took one more detour and continued east to Hood River, Oregon to visit Cathedral Ridge Winery. It was a sweet little spot with more gorgeous views and some tasty wines to boot! 

But like any delicious dream, the weekend wound down and it was time to wake up again. But that was just fine because it meant I could now dive into that comforting world of memories and start to relive some of the highlights in my mind.

In the end, I can now think of a greater gift to give because we both got to experience the present and now we have these memories that will last a hell of a lot longer than any thing we could have given each other. And that's pretty wonderful, I think. 

baby boy!

I had had these in a previous post but found that only my Facebook friends were able to view them. So here we go, take two! I present for your viewing pleasure - as well as your daily dose of cute - Mr. Kamdyn Michael, in all his three months of glory!

time lapse

The time it has been since my last post is, quite frankly, inexcusable. But, since we're being frank here, the only reason I had so much to say a few weeks ago is because the person I usually say things to was gone and now he's back. 


Jared returned from the fires completely rejuvenated. The light was back in him and he was happier, albeit more exhausted, than I've ever seen him. The thrill of the fire was lit in his eyes, his voice, everything. And although he was covered head to toe in wicked poison oak, it was exactly what he needed.


In short, it's been great to have him back safe and sound. And now I'm ready to get rid of him again. By which I mean he's ready to go out on another call. Everything here in the northwest is cooling down dramatically and with the descent of autumn he's getting anxious to get back out and play in the flames again. 

While these aren't pictures from him crew, they are from the View Lake Complex Fire (the second fire he fought) and, he said, EXACTLY what his conditions were like. 

Anyway, beyond that, life has been frolicking along merrily. Work has continued to be wonderful and challenging. Last week we had a wine delivery and with three of us putting it all away, it only took three hours to get from 460 cases of wine down to this one. last. box. 

And since my apartment has become an apocalyptic mess, I decided to forfeit the gym for the day (which I will regret later when Jared and Shamoo go for a run and then do an obscene amount of pushups and sit-ups after dinner) and clean. The anticipation of October and with it the coming of Hallowe'en season has me all wound up like a small child. Should I get this excited about pumpkins and candy corn? Eh, I don't even care. 

I'm totally okay with it. 

fire, fire everywhere

Also, in recent and important news... Jared called me again today. His crew was getting ready to leave the Oak Flat fire and heading toward Mt. Hood where they have been reassigned. This fire is called (to the best of our knowledge) the View Lake (or Lake View, according to Jared but the website I found called it the other) fire. The only information I've found on it is here. This fire is smaller and mostly contained but with so many other crews dispatched elsewhere, ASP has been called in to fill the gaps. To his knowledge, this should only add a few more days to this "deployment".

Continued prayers are always appreciated!


***UPDATE*** View Lake Complex

love actually IS all around

The coming and going of another Valentine's Day has left me exhausted.

As is the unwritten but entirely understood house rule at the theater, I worked yesterday. Unless you're unexpectedly drafted or experiencing a mishap with your do-it-yourself lobotomy kit, you're going to work Valentine's Day. Fair enough, I knew that was the deal, so Jared and I planned accordingly. 

Friday was lovely - though I had barely left the theater at all, Jared and I dolled ourselves up and enjoyed a night out. Regardless of working there nearly every day of the week, LR is still the kind of place I'd like to find myself on the occasional Friday night. Amazing food, drinks and movies? Can't lose. So we sat down, found ourselves something on the rocks (him a sensational rye whiskey and me a gin drink I'd stumbled upon earlier that day in a book behind the bar which I then dog-eared for future use) and then dug into our food just as the opening credits of Casablanca began to roll. 

Let me tell you, Casablanca on the big screen is something to be seen at least once in one's lifetime. Our system at work is one of, if not THE most advanced digital system in the country so there was nothing to worry about but whether Ilsa will stay in Morocco with Rick or not. And I wasn't the only one caught up in the smoky splendor of the 40's - Jared liked it too. I love that about him, always curious to try new things, see new movies and experience something that means a lot to me (in this case, classic movies). 

After the movie the night was still young enough so we wandered further into the Pearl District to Life of Riley, a tavern where Kalen (Lisa's oldest son) works and hung out for a bit. Portland really is the perfect place to do a weekend in. 

Saturday morning found me up bright and early to drive the boy into work so he wouldn't have to pay for the bus (didn't mind, stopped for breakfast on the way home then passed out on my couch for a couple hours). It was wonderful to be able to stop and relax and enjoy my day off, especially since the following day (yesterday) was such an unbelievable blur of action. We're absolutely slammed at work with the addition of Avatar in 3D (along with all the other great movies we've got in the lineup right now - we rule at the moment). From the second we opened the doors we were busy and even though I walked with a handsome sum in cash tips, I barely made it home without nodding off. I was also informed that my days off this week were no longer my days off as there simply aren't enough of us to go around at the moment in terms of keeping up with demand. So for now I won't have a day off until Wednesday and then who knows? But with any luck I will finally get my weekends back and by next week be able to devote more time to writing, reading and picture-taking.  

In the meantime, here is an image I found that I completely appreciate. 

l o v e

It's an interesting sensation to be so happy and feel so loved that you can't help but cry. I'm not always sure what to do with it when it happens, but it's worth mentioning that it's been happening on a pretty regular basis lately.

Looking back on the couple of posts I wrote while in California it's hard to believe how far I've come in the past few months. Though I was back in a world of my family and my best friends I was completely lost and, in all honesty, one of the darkest emotional pits I've ever found myself mired in. The nights alone in my apartment in Calabasas I would not wish on anyone. Even to think on them now makes me tear up, to watch the "me" in my memory crying myself to sleep wrapped around a pillow wishing so hard that I could just undo everything and be back in Portland...

Well, not to dwell on the bad times. The end result is that I've been back in my beautiful Pacific Northwest for over a month now and everything makes me smile, laugh and cry for happiness. I can't even begin to comprehend the love that has helped me make it to this point. Love from my family, my friends, my God, everyone and everything. I both can and can't fathom it. The can't comes from wondering how on earth I was chosen to be one of the "lucky ones" and the can from knowing that love is the end all be all. Love is everything.

It's coming up on Thanksgiving and at the risk of jumping the gun I've been counting my blessings. For love, I am eternally grateful for the miracle of grace I've been shown. Life isn't perfect, no, but it's damn close. I couldn't have made it back here without it. I don't know many other families who would drop everything to help their daughter, granddaughter or niece the way you all have helped me. God, I can't believe it! And I'm so overwhelmed by it!

And my friends too, most of all Indy. When I left in August he and I talked for hours on end about what it all meant and how we were going to approach the next chapter. He told me then that when he moved to Portland I became his best friend here and always would be. He is, on top of everything else, my best friend. Not in the same way Brig and Blake are, nothing compares to them, but my best friend nonetheless. And as the days and weeks led up to my departure I found myself praying, and wishing on everything I could from stars, to tunnels to any candles I would blow out, just begging God to let me keep him. And now as I drive to and from work, in and out of the city, to and from his apartment to mine I could just burst from the gratitude and sheer joy of being allowed to be back here with him, to have his goodness, his selflessness, his wisdom, his love and his plain being back in my life.

And Mike! I've often said that if you don't like Mike and Indy there must be something wrong with you. Through this whole ordeal Mike has been amazing. He was always there to talk to me and listen to me when I needed a voice of reason. He never told me what to do but simply offered me a sounding board so that I could make the decision myself. And in return he confides in me and that, well that is something special when someone opens up to you and trusts you. Life would not be the same without him.

I know God doesn't just dole out love and acceptance and friendship to everyone so, knowing that He is reading every word I type here, I can take this time to truly thank Him for this life He has given of me. I want to make Him proud, make Him smile, do right by Him and I know that I have and will continue to stumble but that's the beauty of His LOVE. He is everywhere, everyone and everything. He is the reason I get to keep all of you.

It all comes back to love, doesn't it? It seems to me that love actually is all around.

Now I find myself drenched in tears after writing this not because of sadness but from the all-consuming happiness and thankfulness for everything. It's a wonderful feeling to cry this way, to be so happy that you can't keep it in and know that you shouldn't have to.

I'm not a child anymore and I'm learning a lot about life and at twenty-three I think I'm pretty lucky to be able to go to sleep at night happy, loved and at peace. The world may not be perfect but the simple joys of life, love and happiness are priceless.

If I accomplish nothing else in life at least I have this much figured out.

Below are some lyrics to a Chuck Ragan song called "For Goodness Sake" and a link to him singing it. It's exactly where I am in life right now and I love it. Definitely worth waiting for the video to load because to hear this song is to truly understand its meaning.

Simple backbeats seem to soothe me

If I could hold them I would let's say

Take some rest as if not wicked

And walk around enjoying silence

A world away elders gather speaking their tongues and hardly falter

With words of fun, joy and grievance, simple songs, work and penance

To drown hate like a stone and walk the path overgrown

Never to lie awake and if so for goodness sake

Down the road the deer are crossing

The grass is greener where they're walking

Rattling beasts and heavy movement

Mark them now son, before we lose them

Bear you arms ever so wisely or burn them all if you have no need

And dress to kill but kill so kindly hollow hearts too weak and weary

To drown hate like a stone and walk the path overgrown

Never to lie awake and if so for goodness sake

Now call me crazy but all the old ways of living simple are simply fading

And all we buy is time before we die and lay on down desensitized

A wise old friend recently told me, "an idle mind is the devil's playpen,"

Find the gaps and watch them closely, spread the love and choose your friends wisely

Love yourself to love your family and find the difference between wants and needs

Be sure to stop and count your blessings, smell the roses and fight for something

To drown hate like a stone and walk the path overgrown

Never to lie awake and if so for goodness sake

Now call me crazy but all the old ways of living simple are simply fading

And all we buy is time before we die and lay on down desensitized

stumptown

photos from the past couple months...

I'm back in Portland.

Only for a short time though. I'm sitting on the floor of Indy's apartment, he and Mike are both at work so I'm left to my own devices. When I woke up this morni

ng there was a skillet on the stove full of hashbrowns and diced chicken with an envelope next to it...(you'll have to read it backwards because my computer camera takes mirror image photos)

... Mike had made me breakfast! Love that boy. It's so wonderful to be back here, even though I was gone for less than two weeks. Last Friday when I got here I came "home" to the boys' empty apartment - Indy had worked out at the golf course until late that night and then had to go pick up Mike from work at Whole Foods so I beat them home by about 20minutes. So I waited for them in the recliner, my usual position in the living room, and read. Only not really because I was so anxious I found myself simply looking at the words on the page but never quite committing them to any long term memory. Finally the key turned in the lock and in flew Mike yelling "Oh no, we're being robbed, someone broke in, heeeeeelp!" followed by him lifting me into the air and twirling me around while Indy stood smiling in the doorway. Once I was released by the raving red head, I fell into Indy's arms and we stood there hugging while Mike taunted our reunion ("Ooh, look at us, we like each other, we're in love, wah wah wah...").

It was good to be home.

Meanwhile, this week has flown by faster than I'd hoped. While the guys are at work I've been working on my summer reading, gearing up for school in a little over a week. Brig, Blake, Jason, Mom and I got all my stuff moved in to my new "fort" in Calabasas, just about 10 minutes from Pepperdine. It was so surreal to be back there and back in that setting after living in Portland. This city has a personality, a charm and character all its own. The whole town is alive in itself and you can feel it breathing and moving. LA though is just like walking onto a movie set (appropriately so I suppose). It has no life to it. It's just there. To look pretty. That's it. I'm not downplaying Calabasas or Malibu, they're lovely places and I'm not about to discount the ocean views from campus but there is no personality (unless you're on the beach itself). 

It's going to be a hard transition, I true re-adjustment to a world I already know like the back of my hand because I spent four years of my life there. Four very pivotal years no less. And I will miss my life in Portland more than I can say but this is the next chapter, the next scene in my life and I know this is something I need to do. 

In the meantime though, I'm momentarily back in my life in the Pacific Northwest... I'll always come back here and know I'm home.