Sports Silliness

The last few days have provided some funny sports stuff.  Let us take a look at a few of them.

Haha, very classy Rice!  Probably the only thing I will remember about them all season.

World-class athlete...running is hard!



Seriously, what the hell is Morgan thinking?  Does he really want a piece of Pujols?  That man would destroy him.  Also, I would love to see Fielder and Pujols fight.  Plus, if Morgan was so serious about fighting, how is it that Prince Fielder is able to lightly jog run full speed over to grab Morgan?  That was one of those:  "oh shit, I hope someone grabs before I get my ass beat."

And then Morgan decides to go to twitter...

Calling Albert Pujols a woman...wow.  Very clever Nyjer!  I also see that spelling is kicking your ass, especially "where vs. we're."  What a joke...



Things I learned from the Sidney Crosby press conference:
-His brain is like a Ferrari
-The etymology of the word concussion...it comes from Latin!
-Christmas is a celebration
-90% is better than 89%
-Sid needs to buy polo shirts a size bigger...he looked like he was about to explode out of that and start screaming "SID ANGRY!!! SID SMASH!!"
-According to the ladies, Sid is still sexy.
-Vestibular perception
-Sid is not retiring.  Or at least, do not bet on that.

Wow, just wow...these uniforms look like something you would see in Grant Morrison's Invisible.

Louis C.K. on George Carlin

This is a bit long, but it is very much worth it.

Cry Me a River

If you are offended by vulgar language, this post will most likely offend you.

I have had a few bad days and I figured you would love to know about it.  Thursday I went down to Pittsburgh for the Pirates game.  Unfortunately, no one would go with me, which I was actually okay with.

I went to Rivers Casino first and played Three-Card Poker for about two hours.  At one point, I was up $150, but then I went on a losing streak and ended down $25.  I walked over to the game and had great seats (I used my coupon and got a free ticket).  The Buccos lost to the Dodgers and pretty much played like crap.  I then left and came home.

I changed into my Steeler jersey and went over to the YP to watch the final preseason game.  Needless to say, I had a bit too much to drink and Lindsey had to drive me home when she was done with work.  Yay for being responsible! 

The next day when we got my car, I noticed that my mirror was knocked off and my Batman hoodie was missing.  Ugh, some asshole decided to steal my favorite hoodie! 

Today I went to work a few hours early because we were getting the Washington & Jefferson College football team and I did all the work setting it up, so I wanted to be there to make sure it went smoothly.  It definitely went well.  Unfortunately, later things happened and I ended up staying and pulling a 14 hour day (15 if you count driving time). 

Sadly, on the way to work, I got pulled over and the cop gave me a speeding ticket.  Great, a speeding ticket, at work for 14 hours, missed college football, favorite hoodie stolen, lost money at the casino, saw the Pirates lose...ugh.

Then as I was in the shower, it occurred to me to stop being such a fucking crybaby!  I mean seriously Josh, get real.  These are your problems?  Grow the fuck up.  There are people who have no jobs, no car, no spare cash to go to a casino or a baseball game.  There are people who work 15 hours a day for shitty pay.  There are people who wonder where they will sleep tonight or if they will have anything to eat.  You are whining about losing a hoodie?  Granted, it was a gift from my brother, but let us look at some of the facts:

-You left your doors unlocked in Ebensburg.  Of course someone is going to open the door and take your hoodie.  Way to go moron.

-You got a ticket because you were speeding, suffer the consequences dickwad.

-You worked that long because you wanted to help out and you know that at some point you can leave early.  Do not act like you were forced into it.  Hell, you could have left early since you came in early. 

-You lost money at the casino because like a dumbass, you decided to up your bet because you thought you were on a hot streak.  You know better than this!  When you gamble like an idiot, you deserve to lose.

Instead of crying about what you do not have, be thankful for the things you do have:  a beautiful girlfriend, who loves you even when you are an idiot;  a great family; a job that you actually enjoy; a place to live; and you know, all that other stuff. 

Comic Book Characters Should Play Baseball: DC Edition

The other day I was thinking about comic book characters and how silly it is that all of these characters become heroes/villains when they realize they have some kind of power or ability.  If I found out that I had enhanced strength or something, I would probably go into professional sports.  Much easier to make millions.

I started to wonder which comic book characters would make the best baseball players.  I decided to only use the humans who had minor enhancements.  Obviously Superman would destroy a baseball.  And yes, the Flash would just tap the ball and make it home in under a second.  People would probably notice they were a little different.

Shortstop
Remember the days before Alex Rodriguez played for the Yankees?  Or before he took performance enhancing drugs?  He was a big guy, who could hit and play his position.  He was quick, agile, and powerful.  Who does that sound like?

Batman is 6'2, 210 lbs. and is a master in multiple forms of martial arts.  He would be amazing in the field.  Throwing batarangs probably means he would be pretty accurate throwing to first from awkward positions.  Oh, and he is big and strong, and could probably be a 40 HR type guy.

Second Base
You need someone quick at second, who can help turn those tricky double plays.  Well if Batman is at SS, then you would definitely want Robin at second.  Obviously I mean Tim Drake.  He was my favorite Robin.  Tim is listed at only 5'1, 115 lbs, but I think he may have grown a little bit.  Anyways, he would have the quickness to make those turns and throws to first.

Also, since he loves to use his bo staff, he would probably be a great slap hitter.  I could imagine him being more like Ichiro, high average and a ton of stolen bases.

Third Base
This is one of the positions where you want some serious power.  This is the character that got me thinking about this whole post.  Slade Wilson, aka Deathstroke.  He has enhanced abilities:  strength, agility, reflexes, and a healing factor.

This guy is a mercenary, but he could easily make a crap-load of money hitting 50 HRs per year and also hitting around .400.  If Albert Pujols or A-Rod can get over $200 million (I am sure Pujols will get that kind of money), Slade would probably be even higher paid.  Plus, his extra abilities would not be noticeable as long as he did not jump twenty feet into the air or something.

Oh, and with that healing factor, he could probably break Cal Ripken's consecutive game streak.

First Base
This is another one of those big, power-hitter type positions.  You would someone who is a big target for the other infielders to throw too, but also someone who can just crush a baseball.

Bane would make a great first baseman.  He is 6'8 and as long as he does not overdo it on the Venom, he would not look a muscle-bound freak.  Just use it on occasion and keep belting out HRs, probably would strikeout a few times though.  He would be like Adam Dunn.

Luckily, as of now, MLB does not test for Venom.  If they did, Bane could be banned for a few games.  Although, he has stopped using it in comics, to get started in baseball, while growing up in the Caribbean, I am sure he would have been juicing. 

Center Field
When you think of a center fielder, you want someone who is a natural athlete, and very fast.  They usually have a lot of ground to cover.  Well, who better than Nightwing?  He is built almost exactly like Andrew McCutchen.

Dick Grayson was a fantastic gymnast and acrobat long before he met Batman.  That kind of thing probably would come in handy when making ridiculous catches.  Also, he probably has a cannon from throwing batarangs and whatnot.  I picture him as .300 hitter, who steals about 30-50 bases per year.  Not a huge HR guy, maybe 15 to 20, but probably a fantastic gap hitter.

Left Field
Here is another one that has super powers, but those could easily be hidden.  Animal Man could play left field.  He could summon the speed and power of any animal he wanted.  As long as he does not overdo it, he could become one of the greats out there.

I picture him putting up numbers similar to CarGo last year.  35-40 HRs, 40-50 SBs, an average around .350.  Yeah, people would probably remember Buddy Baker as a player more than they remember him as a superhero.

Right Field
You want an amazing athlete out there who can throw the ball to third base and home on a rope.  Who would be better than Mr. Terrific?  The dude has won the Olympic gold medal in the decathlon and has multiple black-belts.

I bet he would put up a .300 average, hit about 25-35 HRs, and probably gun down about 15 guys a year trying to tag up on him.  The guy just seems to excel at whatever he does.

Catcher
This is such a tough position because most people do not realize how difficult it can be.  Also, there are so many different types of catcher.  Personally, I look for a good defensive catcher.  The abilities you want in that kind of catcher are quick reflexes.  People forget that a catcher has about the same amount of time to react to a pitch as the hitter.  If his pitcher misses his target, there is not a lot of time to move the body to make the catch.

Captain Boomerang Jr (Owen Mercer) would be perfect.  He is an expert at throwing objects, so he could probably throw out a good amount of runners, plus he has a little bit of super-speed, which means he can probably use that to slow down the rest of the world.  A runner stealing second would not distract him as the pitch is coming in.  Plus, he could use a little bit of that speed to allow him to steal bases.  I could see him racking up somewhere around 60-100 SBs in a season, probably have a huge OBP with all of his walks since he can slow the world down and know if a pitch is a ball or strike. 

Pitchers
If you want a good starting staff, you might as well look no further than the Green Arrow and his family.  Ollie, Roy, and Connor are all expert marksmen.  Using a bow makes a person have a very strong arms and chest.  They could easily become a pitcher with that kind of skill-set.  You might as well add Merlyn to that mix as well.  Instead of becoming an assassin, why not make millions throwing a baseball?

 And what about a late inning reliever?  How about Hourman?  The dude could just pop one of his Miraclo pills and be a hard throwing closer for about an hour.  He could be a two inning closer as long as it does not take more than an hour.

Alright, well that is it for this installment.  Next time I will look at some Marvel characters.

How to Fix True Blood

Obviously you know what this post is about.  This season has been pretty terrible.  What could they do to fix the show for next season?  Here are my ideas:

-Obviously they are not going to kill Sookie.  It would be great, but it will not happen.  Instead though, they need to focus a good bit less on the love triangle and maybe never mention the whole faerie thing ever again.

-Too many useless characters.  First, get rid of Tara.  She is absolutely unnecessary.  Her views go completely against Sookie's beliefs.  Might as well kill her off this season.  If you want someone who Sookie can talk to about her problems, use Jason.  He is more interesting anyway, since he has positive and negative vampire experiences.

-Speaking of Jason, they need to keep his character more consistent.  Keep him as a cop, I actually like that idea.  I am glad they eliminated the whole were-panther story (I am sure it will pop back up though).  In fact, I like the idea of his role being more involved with the vampire community as a cop, maybe covering up things for Bill (with help from Jessica).

-Jessica naked.

-The entire story needs to be vampire related.  The interesting thing about the first season was the way we saw how society reacted to vampires.  Those are also some of the good parts of this season.  Focus more on that and less on idiotic villains.  No witches, no demigods, no werewolves, no werebadgers, or anything else.  They can exist in this world, but they are not the big story.

-Also, we need to know more about vampire politics.  Who are the Authority?  How and why did they divide the U.S. into a kingdom per state?  How come some of the oldest vampires (Godric, and to a lesser extent Eric) are just sheriffs of small areas.  Could they just kill the king or queen and take it over? 

-Keep Sam's story just the way it is.  Seriously one of the few good things about the show.  Except, maybe have him work at the bar a little more often.  Also, what happened to him being in love with Sookie?  I realize he grew out of that, but he and her have no interaction whatsoever. 

-Can someone explain to me why werewolves are more badass than shifters?  During the fight against Tommy, he should have shifted into that alligator, or a T-Rex.  Can they do that?  That would be fuckin' awesome! 

So these are just a few of my ideas, feel free to use them HBO!

I Pooped the Earthquake

I am sure most of you heard about the earthquake in Virginia.  I wish I had a great story about how I felt it and knew exactly what was happening.  Sadly, I have no good story.  Instead, I have a great story.

I was in the bathroom at work, doing a humpty-dump (that is Lindsey's new term for pooping) and when I came out a few employees asked me if I felt the earthquake.  I informed them that it was not an earthquake, just me taking a massive dump.  Then I realized they were being serious, so I looked online and found out that there was in fact an earthquake.

Sadly, I did not feel a thing.  Although as Jason pointed out via twitter:  "If it was worse, at least you were in the right place to have the shit scared out of you. Weird that we were both in the bathroom."  Umm, we were not in the same bathroom for those of you who took that the wrong way.

I heard people on Cory Giger's radio show saying that they did not feel anything, yet other people near them did feel the quake.  How weird is that?  People at work felt it, yet me in the bathroom, felt nothing.  Well unless you count the giant turd that somehow came from my body.  Actually, it was not that big, I just figured that would gross everyone out.

Anyways, speaking of twitter (oh wait, I never spoke of it?  shut up and keep reading).  There were plenty of funny tweets (I hate this term) about the cause of the quake.  Here are two of my favorites (paraphrased because I am too lazy to try and find them):

-Alexander Ovechkin fell off the treadmill this afternoon causing a 5.9 earthquake.

-That was not an earthquake, it was just Prince Fielder's stomach rumbling for veggies.

And that is why twitter makes me laugh...

On a serious note, I was actually worried about my Aunt Lori and family because I texted her immediately (I saw a news report that said not to call because it could overload the cellphone towers or something).  She finally responded and said everyone was fine and that they were out camping and had stopped at a gas station when it hit.  I guess they were about an hour away.

College is Overrated

The Pirates signed their second round pick, Josh Bell.  There seemed to be a debate about whether or not he would sign since he sent out a letter asking teams not to draft him because he wanted to go to college and play for the University of Texas.

Most people thought this was a ploy to get a team to offer him more money.  And it obviously worked, but the thing that cracked me up, was the number of people saying that they could understand why he would want to go to college.

This is something I read somewhere "he may want to go to college to get his degree in case baseball does not work out."  Umm, yeah, that is all well and good, or he could take that huge signing bonus he received and tuck about $100,000 away in case he gets hurt and wants to go to school.  That should cover it.

I could understand if he was deciding to go to college because he was not considered a huge prospect, but he would have probably been a top fifteen pick if he had not scared everyone away with that letter.  Yes, he could go to college and do very well and end up being a top five pick, but what if he gets hurt, ends his career?  Or because of injury, gets drafted in the eighth round.

It reminds me of those college football players who stick around for their senior year, yet they are already considered a top draft pick (I am looking at you Peyton Manning).  I wanted Manning to get hurt so bad and end up never making it to the NFL.  Oddly though, now I actually like Peyton Manning.  That is a different story though.

What other things would there be that Josh Bell would miss out on?  The college experience?  Banging a bunch of college girls?  Look, I am sure with his huge stash of cash, he will be able to stay up late and sleep with some hot girls.  Hell, he can swing by any campus and probably pick up a few girls.  Hey Josh, anytime you want to go out at PSU, let me know, I'll show ya the hot spots!

Hell, this is good advice to any young person who has no clue what they want to do with their life.  If they only want to go to college in order to party, here is my suggestion:  go to a huge college and become a bartender.  Seriously, move to PSU/UT/OSU...wherever.  Become a bartender, you will have money all the time and you will get to do some serious partying.  Once you get tired of the college town, move to the beach and do it for awhile.  As you are doing this, tuck away a little money in case you decide you want to go to school.  Then, go to a technical school and become a plumber or a HVAC repairman.  Best advice I could ever give anyone!

Crosy, Nash, and Young Together Again...

Thanks to my brother for sending this to me...pretty funny. 

Homeland Security SUV

As I was driving home from work, I noticed a white SUV flying up behind me.  I got a little nervous because I figured I was getting pulled over, until I realized I was only going 70 in a 65.  I moved into the right lane and let him pass me and I realized it was a Homeland Security police vehicle.

He turned towards where I was going and I figured he must be going to the Ebensburg Police barracks, but instead he turned into the Local Ice Cream place (LICP).  Curious, eh?  I came to two conclusions:

1)  He is a huge fan of their ice cream and wants to be the first person to get a cone today.  Seems reasonable, right?

2)  The LICP is some kind of terrorist front.  I am guessing they must have a cache of guns below the store and probably plan to overthrow the government.

I would bet money that I am wrong on both counts.

Myrtle Beach Trip

We made it back from Myrtle Beach.  I know most of you were a little worried (and by that I mean, no one even noticed I was gone).  Allow me to recount an amazing trip.

Tuesday
Actually, I need to jump back to Monday real quick.  I decided to sleep all day and then sleep as late as possible so we could leave around 1:00 a.m.  Unfortunately, I woke up at 6:45 p.m. and could not fall back asleep.  We ended up leaving at 1:30 (after the Pirates game).

We made it to Maryland when Lindsey fell asleep.  The GPS took us through DC instead of going to Winchester and since I have no clue how to use a GPS, I just followed the directions I was given.  Luckily I missed the DC traffic by about 45 minutes.  Looking in my rear-view mirror, it looked like there cars just lining up everywhere.

I kept on driving for most of the morning and decided it was time to wake Lindsey up when we hit North Carolina.  We stopped at Cracker Barrel for breakfast and after that Lindsey took over the rest of the way. 

We got there around 1:00 and decided to try and find me some swimming trunks (are they still called that, or am I really showing my age?).  I found a pair and we went to the hotel (Hotel Blue) and asked if it would be possible to check-in early.  The guy said that the room was ready.

By this point, I was completely exhausted.  We went down to the pool and decided to get a couple drinks at the swim up bar.  I laid there, but could not fall asleep.  Later, we went out to eat at Landshark and then went over to Broadway to see the fireworks.

Wednesday
We got up and went down to the beach and sweated like crazy.  Seriously, it was a little warm.  I have not been in the ocean since I was like 13 years old.  I may have went in during my beach trip when I was in high school, but I honestly do not remember.  After about an hour of sitting there reading my book, I asked Lindsey if she wanted to go into the water.

Allow me to explain something.  I did not learn to swim until I was 13 years old.  I had a pretty serious fear of water until then and I was able to overcome it on my own and teach myself to swim (yeah, I am awesome).  The one thing that I will never really get used to though, is being in the ocean.  Some people have a fear of the animals living in the water.  I am no longer afraid, but I still give the water a healthy bit of respect.  I just like to relax out there and not do anything crazy.

That night we went out to Broadway.  We ate dinner at Senor Frogs (I had been there before) and had some drinks there.  After that we walked around and drank at a bunch of other bars.  Here are some pictures.

After dinner, we hit up the mini-golf real for a quick game.  Lindsey talked a ton of smack since the trip to Ohio when she beat me.  Well, this time I took it seriously and beat her.  I shot a -1, she was like a +3.  HAHA!



We then went to Margaritaville and had a couple drinks there, the server wanted us to stick around because we were his last table and this large group was scoping out our table.  Luckily we could oblige him since Lindsey is the slowest drinker on the planet.  Also, sticking around allowed us to hear this song by the band.


From there we went over to Charlie's and drank some beer and enjoyed the music of Axl Rose and Slash.  Well, a fatter Axl Rose.  They did a few songs by GNR, but a ton of other covers.  They were not too bad.

Then after awhile, we saw something great.  Some lady started puking her guts up and her husband was trying to be all sweet and pour water on her.  Here is the picture I was able to take.

We called our cab and went back to the room.  Our cab driver's name was Glen.  He was quite a character.  On our trip to Broadway, he told us some good stories about different fares he had from North Carolina.  In fact, he would pretty much not shut up.  Good guy though, told us where to go at Broadway, and seemed to really want us to have a good time.

Thursday

A bit of the same as the day before.  Beach, swim, read, lunch, drink, beach, swim, read, drink.  Great day, actually could you have a better day than that?

That night, we went up to Barefoot Landing and ate at Dick's Last Resort.  I had heard stories about the place and I always wondered if the servers would be as abusive as people claimed.

I mean, the server could not cross certain lines, right?  Well I was wrong, they cross every line imaginable.  They call people retards, make jokes about girls being whores, call guys queer, and pretty much anything else.  They also made us sit together at a giant picnic table, we joined another party of two and a group of six.  The people we were with were pretty cool.

They made us wear these hats that our server forced us to make.  She then wrote very dirty things on them.  Here is mine:

Here is Lindsey's:

After Dick's we walked around Barefoot Landing for awhile, did some shopping and whatnot.  We went back to the hotel and had a little fun on our balcony...if you know I mean.

Friday
We woke up pretty early and walked to breakfast.  We ate at the National House of Pancakes, or N'hop as I called it.  This is funny because we saw a waffle place and Lindsey called it IWOP, which cracked her up.  It took her a few minutes to realize that IWOP would be international waffle of pancakes.  She should have said IHOW.

We went to the pool and hung out for awhile, but then it looked like rain, so went up to the room and decided to head back to Broadway to do some shopping.  We bought a few things and then ate at Joe's Crab Shack.

We came back to the room and got cleaned up and went out to Murphey's Law Sport's Bar, which everyone said is a Steelers bar and would most likely have the game.  Unfortunately, they did not have the game, but they had football on and they had the Pirates on.  So needless to say, I was happy.  We both got pretty drunk and then I started falling asleep, so Lindsey said we had to go back to the room.  Do I look drunk?

Saturday
We woke up and checked out.  Then we went for breakfast and went up to the outlets to do some shopping.  I know, we did a good amount of that.  We walked around and looked at work clothes for Lindsey, it was pretty exciting.  Then we made our way for home.  That was probably the roughest drive ever.  I was so damn tired.  We took shifts driving, but neither of us could fall asleep while the other drove.  We made it home safely though and then went to bed.  It was such a great trip.  Mainly because I had such a great girl to spend time with...

Okay, here are some more pictures:

Damn I am a sexy guy in that Hawaiian shirt...

A fire-breathing dragon and an Elvis impersonator!  This place has everything!

Now, here comes one of my weird moments.  One of the days were in the water, we noticed people pointing at something near us.  It kind of freaked us out because we heard the word "shark."  We came out of the water and a little bit later, a guy and his kid's came out of the water.  He said that he saw a 3-foot hammerhead shark.

He said it was swimming in between people and he followed it around for a bit until his two daughters got scared because they thought there might be a mommy shark around.  I watched the water for awhile and then the weird moment happened.  I hoped someone would get attacked.  I KNOW!  I am a weirdo, I just kept wondering how I would react.  Would I rush to help the person once they were pulled from the water, would I throw up, what would happen?  Luckily, no one actually got hurt.

This was some of the stuff at Murphey's Law, as you can see there were a good amount of Steelers stuff.  Also, some great Lemieux and Van Slyke posters.

I am sure I have bored you enough.

Always Sunny Promo

This is my favorite of the new It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia previews.  If you want to see more of them, go over to WarmingGlow.

Matrix Video

I was watching The Matrix Revolutions last night and realized that it was not as terrible as most people make it out to be.  Also, I hope the next Superman movie has a great fight scene.  Hopefully they use a villain who has similar powers to Superman, so they can get pretty crazy with the flying & fighting.  Time will tell...

Ancient Aliens Season Three

I just watched the new season of Ancient Aliens, which was about aliens and the old west and was brought to you by Cowboys and Aliens.  There were plenty of clips from the movie, which if you did not know has a pretty entertaining history behind it.

Pretty much everything in the episode was stuff that had been discussed before on UFO Hunters.  Especially the Aurora, Texas incident.  Everything I have read about the incident seems to point to the idea that the whole thing was a hoax by the journalist living in the town. 

They pointed to the ground-penetrating radar that seemed to show a missing grave, where the alien is supposedly buried.  I am sure old graveyards around the country have graves that are missing markers.  If people really believed it was an alien, how come no one has broken the law and went out at midnight to dig the damn thing up?  The town should want to dig it up to prove their case.  Instead they are content receiving the camera crews every few years and probably a couple of amateur alien hunters.

Then they go to the Utah petroglyphs and how they show that aliens landed there and the local people were Star People or something.  Again, this was something I have heard before from these kind of shows.  Here is the big one they like to show:

Clearly, those are helmets and that thing in the background is a garbage can.  I am not an expert in Native American glyphs, so I have no clue what they mean.  I can see where people would take what they have seen from movies and apply it to these pictures as well.  This could just be some artists attempt to draw the gods.  Or it could be some shitty artist hot girls.

Then they point to this picture and explain how it must be an alien spacecraft.  It is quite clear if you examine it.

Wanna know what it looks like to me?  The ghosts from Pac-Man.  Remember that game?  Well some of you probably do, but those of you under the age of 25 may be ignorant to Atari games.

There was also some weird stuff about Elizabeth Lake in California and how there was a monster in the lake that used to eat people.  Also, cowboys used to chase down a metallic bird and could not kill it. 

Pretty much every lake has some story about monsters (okay not all of them, but it seems like it) and maybe these cowboys just kept missing whatever they were shooting at, or maybe they were just completely full of crap.  I am going with that option, seems more viable.

They also discussed the Serpent Mound and how it was built by aliens (or for the aliens) so they could find their way back.  I had this argument with someone on twitter:  if the aliens could travel billions of light-years across the universe, why would they need some kind of mound to give them directions?  His answer:  landmarks work best.  Yeah, when I drove to North Carolina, it was easier to look for a big oak tree than a mile marker or say, use my GPS.  Ridiculous.  They can navigate the stars, yet once on a planet, they cannot find the places they have been before?  Idiotic.

Also, there was something about this slabs of dolomite that could conduct electricity and the gods must have used these to power their ships or maybe give the ancient people lights.  Or maybe their fuel source was lightning and this guides the lightning...I had no clue what they were rambling about.  Reminded me of an issue of something you would read in the Flash. 

Most of this stuff seems pretty crazy, but then you add in Joseph Smith.  The founder of the Mormon Church.  If you want your theory of ancient aliens to be taken seriously, I say keep referencing Joseph Smith.  People obviously think the Mormons are sane...